Harder Critiques Than Mine?

If you think I'm hard, check out book agent Nathan Bransford's critique Mondays...

http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/07/page-critique-monday-my-critique_26.html

Taking a break from critiques... and offering some direction

For those writing mystery and/or any type of suspenseful fiction, this is a fun read: Twenty Rules for Writing Detective Stories. The list at the end regarding cliche/passe techniques is important enough that all fiction writers should read them.

http://socialpolitan.org/m/articles/view/Twenty-Rules-for-Writing-Detective-Stories-1928

I particularly love #7. "There simply must be a corpse in a detective novel, and the deader the corpse the better."

Note to self: go back through manuscript and make sure bodies are dead. Really stiff. Pokeable. Maybe oozing.

Optimize Your Opener #6: The Labyrinth

***
Maggie Duncan searched through her mind for survival skills. She gripped the sink’s edge and leaned into the counter of her country kitchen [GOOD SHOW OF TENSION IN HER]. Sunbeams through the window landed on the stacked soiled dishes. Unwashed laundry overflowed the wicker hamper in the open laundry area. [GOOD SHOW OF HER LIFE OUT OF CONTROL] She stared, unfocused, through tears at the soft hills and fruit trees of the acreage [SHE'S SAD ABOUT THE LAND/HOME?]. Maggie let go of the counter and paced, arms wrapped around her abdomen. The first time she failed to comfort her squalling newborn son, the words “bad mother” tumbled from the rooftops of her mind. Stomach burning self-accusations——no patience, anger, self-pity——repeated, like stuck recordings. [SEEMS TO ME THIS TYPE OF "LOOKING BACK" IS BEST FOR LATER PARAGRAPHS/CHAPTERS BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTION, IT'S PERSPECTIVE, GAINED FROM EXPERIENCE - AND WE DIDN'T GAIN IT WITH HER, SO IT'S NOT OF VALUE TO THE READER]

She rose out of the rocking chair and wandered, still clutching her middle, through the connecting rooms of the old-fashioned farmhouse. She imagined the muscled arms of her husband wrapped around her, stroking and kneading her back as he whispered, ‘Maggie, my wonderful Maggie...’ before skimming his lips down her neck to capture her mouth [DOWN HER NECK TO HER MOUTH? MOST HUMAN'S HAVE THEIR MOUTH ABOVE THEIR NECK, SO THIS SOUNDS FUNNY]. She shook off the dream. When she tried to tell him how she felt, he glanced at her for about as long as a TV commercial, before backing away and continuing the priorities on his agenda, the newspaper, TV, yard work.
***

This piece is really emotion-packed and clearly covering a delicate issue -- either she lost a child or was bad to a child. Regardless of subject matter, I still have to treat the story as a story.

1) Show is better than tell. Despite all the details of her home being in chaos, her obvious mental/physical pain, it still feels like you're telling us information instead of walking us through a story. Despite all the scene details, and comments on her body, nothing else is happening, so you're left just telling us how unhappy she is.

2) This leads me to the lack of storyline. The best scene has action, dialogue, and characters in tension-building situations. Here we have a woman pondering, looking at her surroundings with sadness, guilt, but still just pondering. That's not action. You have to lead the reader to water, not drink it for them. You have to give us a situation to "be in" so we can feel the pain for her. There's a concept in the screenplay world that says never let your characters cry; just put them through hell and let your readers cry for them.

3) Careful on letting a character feel sorry for him/herself. Self pity is unattractive when we don't see that it is earned. Because we haven't been led up to this point, we enter the story with a character that is being "pitiful" and that's not as engaging as if we'd seen how she got there. It's important to show why we should care about your character, to give the story a heart right away, but pity is not the means to that end. Shoot for empathy, not pity.

4) Considering the above comments, I suspect that you've begun your story too late. That's tough news. Most writers start too early and just have to edit out the first paragraphs to get to the right starting point. You may have to write the start from scratch. Which can also be loads of fun. But whatever you do, start with a story. Something happening.

Good luck!!!
The Editor Devil

Optimize Your Opener #5: MAKANI'S SERENITY
genre: YA Sci-Fi Coming-of-Age
****
The price was too high. Makani didn’t have enough money to get everything Grant had asked for, but they needed the supplies. Which left her with only one choice.

She darted between the aisles of the large, brightly lit department store, [BLAH DESCRIPTION -- COULD BE SEARS OR NORDSTROMS] arms almost full [OF WHAT? I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING], trying to keep her black shoes from squeaking [WHY?] and still get the things on her list quickly [IMPLIED BY DARTING, DO DROP THE ADVERB]. The sun would be on its way down before long, and that meant trouble [AGAIN, VAGUE -- TROUBLE AS IN LIFE-THREATENING OR GETTING GROUNDED?].
****
Okay, let me start by warning the author how tough I'm going to be on this. Even though you have fine sentence structure, good rhythm and beats, and POV established early (all excellent, by the way), your voice/style isn't coming through because of the issues listed below. Work on these, and you'll see your voice emerge.

Comments:
1) This opening focuses on--though not very effectively-- circumstances (character is at store and needs to buy things, but no money) and motivation (character has to take alternate measures to get more money? or get things?, and needs to hurry for sun). Everything is vague. Both the conflict of circumstance and motivation are weak. If someone asked me what the story was about, I would say I have no idea. There's a female (girl, woman?) with sneakers in a store hurrying.

2) This opening tells us very little. When you are too vague, too evasive, the reader cannot enter the story. Many writers think that being highly mysterious makes the work more suspenseful. Skilled authors know that you have to give enough details and story and character to get the reader through the door and then hold back 1 or 2 pieces of plot information to keep the reader on the hook. Not all of the information. Here are the questions the reader is left with (too many questions)
a. The price of what is too high?
b. She didn't have enough money, but how much did she have (so we know the goal -- getting $50 is not the same stakes as getting $5,000)?
c. What did Grant want her to buy?
d. Why did they need them?
e. What was the one choice she could make? THIS IS THE ELEMENT I WOULD LEAVE AS UNKNOWN/UNSTATED. THE REST SHOULD BUILD UP TO THIS.
f. What kind of store is she in?
g. What types of supplies are in her arms?
h. Why does she care if her shoes squeak?
i. What remains on the list?
j. Why should I care about the sun going down?
k. Who the hell is Grant?
l. Why should I care about her or any of this?

3) Finally, let's talk about characterization. There is nearly none. Only her darting, feeling desperate (or in a hurry, neither is clear). Makani is immediately a cardboard character: nobody. That's a big problem. Yes, jumping into the fray of events is good tactically, but you have to marry that with giving us a character to care about right away. You have to introduce us to someone whose shoes we can use to walk through the danger ourselves.

So the author needs to see this as an early draft and start layering in details. Vague items need to be specific. Add information about the situation so we better understand the stakes and motivation. Not heavily, mind you. The best approach is to sprinkle info here and there.
More than anything, give us a specific, clear character to care about. Even though it's YA, you need to give today's sophisticated youngsters more information. They read all kinds of characters, so make yours really unique and tantalizing and you'll sell the work. Good luck!

The Editor Devil

Optimize Your Opener Entry #3, from my guest-editing blogger, Kimberly:

Marianne said...
The Summoner of Seven Falls
genre: YA Paranormal
***
No one in the lecture hall noticed the crack near the bottom of the glass tube containing the virus culture. The middle-aged and slightly gray bespeckled professor stood behind the podium giving the day’s lecture in a loud and animated [M1] voice of a [M2] scholar excited about his field of study. Occasionally Professor Stone would step [M3] away from the podium during his lecture to stand behind the table upon which the rack of culture tubes sat. As if divining magic through the air[M4] , the professor would gesticulate wildly above the tubes while describing the concept of cytopathic effect through which viruses eventually destroy tissue. In this case[M5] , the tissue was primary monkey kidney, and the destroyer a Coxsackie virus.

In an attempt to emphasize an important point, [M6] Professor Stone banged his fist down upon the table. The impact caused the tubes to leap slightly, and the cracked tube faltered under the stress of the downward landing[M7] . Instantly, fluid welled up [M8] against the inside of the crack. A second pound on the table then forced the fluid across the crack’s opening, and a drop of culture media began to [M9] pool on the outside of the crack. Finally, as the Great Orator’s voice died down he began[M10] walking back to reclaim his spot at the podium. However, along the way his foot caught on a leg of the table and he tripped, slightly jerking the table a few inches and all that sat on top. Now propelled by a sudden new force, the drop succumbed to gravity[M11] and began [M12] to fall down the tube onto the table. At that point, the drop’s final journey sealed the fate of everyone in the room[M13].
***
[M1]Can you think of one spectacular word to describe both loud and animated?
[M2]Indicative of an enthusiastic scholar
[M3]stepped
[M4]I like this description but I think you could tighten it or use a simile…”like a maestro”
[M5]Leave this out to say the tissue in the cracked tube struggled to contain a coxsackei virus eating away at primary monkey kidney
[M6]If he’s banging his fist, we know he’s emphasizing. That is classic show don’t tell and you did both!
[M7]Landings are usually downward. Just say landing
[M8]penetrated
[M9]try pooled
[M10]don’t begin to do action verbs, just do them. In this case he walked back..
[M11]Was it gravity of was it succumbing to the jiggle
[M12]Begin?
[M13]Lovely ending!

These first few paragraphs will put the reader in a state of agitation if you properly convery that the virus is deadly and it MUST NOT ESCAPE! Under any cirrcumstances! I love this idea and I think you are on a very good track here. I’m definitely interested and you just need to tighten up a bit. And avoid would do this and would do that as well as begin to do this and begin to do that. Watch those verbs. Make it happen in the here and now as if we are witnessing it in the present.
Kudo’s and Good Luck!

Optimize Your Opener Entry #4: Trade Deficit, by Annette Drake

***
My sister was a girl in pigtails when she first killed a man. [I LIKE THE IMAGERY AND THE JUXTAPOSITION OF HER INNOCENCE AND MURDER. HOWEVER, I'M NOT A FAN OF OPENING WITH 'TO BE' VERBS, BUT THIS ONE ISN'T BAD.]

When father left us, he took what pride mama had with him. She took in dirty laundry, but it was never enough. Then there was the money Mr. Meany gave us, but that didn’t last. I was the man of the house, so I tried to get paying work, but I was too young. Mama would fret about “how to feed her brood.” One day, we moved in with a Mr. Thomas Cook. He lived in a dirty hovel one hour north by buggy, in the Melbourne Woods. His house had dirt for floors, but mama would sweep them with vigor twice a day, at least in the beginning she did. He was a trapper—beaver pelts—and they would pile up in the cabin, leaving a musty smell. We would wrap them around ourselves during the night, until we all smelled like them—dirt encased between our toes, and dank sweat under our shirts. We stopped bathing. Mama was going to teach us our letters, but that didn’t happen either.

When Mama’s younger sister came to town—“Just visiting” she said, AND? she brought my cousin Ned with her. Ned was older than I, but quiet and timid. We would spend our days in the forest, skipping stones and whittling pine into figurines. He promised to teach me chess, and he scraped letters into the dirt: C A T. Do you see? [INSERT QUOTE MARKS FOR HIS COMMENT, AS YOU DID ABOVE] He would say, in his soft voice. My Aunt never left,. Iinstead, she moved into the back bedroom with Mr. Cook, and Mama moved out. She [YOU SWITCHED 'SHE' -- AUNT TO MOM -- CONFUSING] slept in the kitchen on a too-small cot with Annabelle. [WHO'S ANNABELLE? THE SISTER IN THE FIRST SENTENCE? THEN WHY NOT NAME HER ABOVE]

1) A lot of great details here. While the style is trying to stay simple/colloquial, the author has so heavily relied on the "to be" verb that it makes the voice not just passive, but bordering on dull. That seems like a waste when there's all this good material. Insert a few more active verbs and the reader would benefit. I crossed out all the boring verbs to challenge the author to come up with more intersting ones.

2) My hardest comment is that, despite the interesting material, the author has chosen to the dreaded backstory opening. Albeit really interesting backstory. If the 3rd paragraph cuts to current action, the author could probably get away with this. If not, there's a big problem. Debut authors can't get away with backstory as openers. It reeks of amature writing. Agents and editors complain that you should NEVER open with backstory. If you are not sure why, read the Query Shark blog or Janet Reid's blog. She pounds this message hard. We need to start a book in CURRENT ACTION/SCENE.

3) I forgot to mention that the author did a good job helping me care about people in this story, especially the narrator. He has simple needs -- wanting to read and write -- and has to watch his mama get displaced. Still don't know the POV character's name, though (boy or girl?). But to open with heart in your story is very difficult, and you've succeeded.

Optimize Your Opener Entry #4 (I skipped #3, as my colleague is doing that one as a guest editor on this blog)

***
The shriek that exploded from the little [LITTLE COULD BE 1 OR 6 -- YOU SHOULD BE MORE SPECIFIC THAN VAGUE IN FIRST PARAGRAPHS] girl’s lungs was one most parents would describe as ‘loud enough to wake the dead.' It didn’t work this time. [SORRY, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS PREVIOUS SENTENCE IS SAYING.] The screeching jolted her mother out of a seat on the park bench nearby. Bundled up against the cold in clunky winter boots and a bulky down coat, she whirled around like a Michelin Man ballerina [WHILE CUTE, WHAT DOES THIS METAPHOR HAVE TO DO WITH THE SCENE? IS IS SUPPOSED TO SOFTEN THE TENSION BY ADDING HUMOR? IF YES, OK, BUT IF NO, RETHINK YOUR METAPHOR -- PERSONALLY, I THINK IT FALLS FLAT], her eyes searching the park for her daughter.

“Ashley?” The woman’s head snapped toward the river, unsure where the sound had come from. No answer, just more screaming from that direction. [BUT SCREAMING IS AN ANSWER] Adrenaline surged through her body as she sprinted for the riverbank as fast as her [NOPE. DON'T SAY 'AS FAST AS' IF SHE'S ACTUALLY STRUGGLING DUE TO CLOTHING. SHOW HER TRIPPING OR SOMETHING THAT SHOWS US THE CLOTHING IS IN THE WAY] cumbersome clothing would allow. “Please God, don’t let my baby drown,” she prayed in a frantic whisperED.[YOU'VE DONE A GOOD JOB 'SHOWING' SHE'S FRANTIC, SO YOU DON'T NEED TO 'TELL' US]

1) I think this is supposed to be a suspenseful opening, but the author has shot him/herself in the foot in a few places:
a) The first line is written in a passive voice, as if looking back on the incident, which removes us, not embeds us, from the story. The action is thus watered down immediately. Worse, this style is common to humor, so sets an expectation. In fact, the first 2 lines made the story sound more like a comedy to me.
b) The second line is vague. Frankly, I don't what it means. Does the "it" refer to her screaming for help? Or waking the dead? The latter would imply a paranormal story.
c) The metaphor is awkward, if not silly, for this type of work. You have to choose metaphors to play to your genre, the action, and the character. This metaphor implies humor/ridiculous, which I doubt the author intends. Although it's supposed to set us up for mom's inability to move quickly in paragraph 2, where we again get info on her clothing, it just stands out awkwardly. Like a giant Michelin Man in a crowd. We really only need to hear about the clothing issue once. Save the precious space for something more important.
d) The mom is sprinting toward the river, but the sentence is dragging. You always want your sentence and your action to match. Fast action means short, direct sentences with verb/noun construction. You're close, so just edit more. See comments above.
2) The story opens implying POV is with the kid, but it's really with the mom. That first sentence should be reworked to be told from mom's POV. YOu should establish a clear POV for the book from the first paragraph.
3) Overall, I think it's smart for this author to open their book with an action scene of the daughter being abducted (if this is really the case). But don't rely on the kid/mother relationship to impart "heart" into your story -- most readers have seen this situation in movies/books a million times. We have to care about the characters, not the situation. What unique characteristic would make us care about either the mom or the kid immediatley?

Optimize Your Opener challenge: submission #2
***
“Power isn’t getting the President to return your phone calls.” The old man croaked. (HE LITERALLY CROAKED, OR IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ATTACHED TO THE PREVIOUS DIALOGUE?) “Power is telling your secretary to get a number and you’ll call back later. (PERIOD. NEW SENTENCE FOR THE EFFECT YOU WANT. NOTE, IT'S NOT CLEAR HOW TELLING THE SECRETARY TO GET NUMBER IS RELATED TO THE PRESIDENT. GET THE 'PRESIDENT'S NUMBER'?) If it’s convenient.” He stopped long enough to choke up a foul-looking (VAGUE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO MENTION IT, THEN YOU HAVE TO GO THE GENRE-APPROPRIATE DISTANCE. GREEN, YELLOW, BLOODY, BROWN? WHEN I TOOK CARE OF MY GRANDFATHER AS HE DIED OF LUNG CANCER, I CAN DESCRIBE THE SLIME HE COUGHED UP VERSUS SNEEZED UP VERSUS CHOKED UP.) slime. The nurse sitting at his bedside, wiped his mouth and chin carefully. “Power is knowing you can do that because he needs you more than you need him.” (TRY WRITING THE SAME MESSAGE WITHOUT THE LONG STRING OF WEAK WORDS. AND MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING, LESS BLAND COLLOQUIAL. TALKING ON THE PAGE SHOULDN'T BE THE SAME AS TALKING LIVE. SIMPLE LANGUAGE IS GOOD, BUT NOT THE SAME AS BORING LANGUAGE.)

I regarded the old man at length. Wizened and beset with ailments, he was a study in modern life—extending medicine. Fluids from plastic sacks inverted on chrome plated stands, and gases from heavy green oxygen tanks stationed nearby, dispensed sustenance to the decaying body via a tangle of tubes. Tubes also drained bilious fluids into other bio-hazard receptacles. A tangle of wires stretched from a bank of gizmos to key points on his body. Each had a computer screen with multiple tiles reporting a different vital sign. Collectively, they mindlessly (THE DOUBLE ADVERBS COMPETE. GET RID OF ADVERBS WHENEVER POSSIBLE.) monitored their patient for any hint that something might be awry. Medicaments were machine-pumped automatically (ADVERB BORDERS ON REDUNDANT, SO I DOUBT IT'S NECESSARY), and with great precision, through flaccid skin marked with great purple splotches: Dark, ugly bruises that would not heal; would not have time to heal.

1) Because I don't know the genre or title, I'm not sure where this is going: could be thriller and this is a killing scene for all I know. But I can say that I've been pummeled with too much information about his medical treatment to even remember that there was some conversation re: power.
2) The "I" introduces the POV character, supposedly the hero/heroine. Then this character dissapears behind the tubes and machines. HOW this character sees these objects goes to characterization, yes, but don't let them get lost in the picture. You have 2 paragraphs to give me a feeling for them and make me care about them. I cared more about the machines. I doubt that's your intent.
3) Dialogue in first paragraph was good except the last. Dying man talking of power as his mouth is wiped like a baby is great juxtaposition. But again, it got lost with 2nd 'graph.

Yes, I'm sure the 3rd graph got more into the other character or plot or whatever. But this challenge is about hitting the key notes up front, not delaying them. You can do this!

HOUND IN BLOOD AND BLACK, genre: dystopian fiction
Thanks for adding the title and genre, as this affects editing comments.

***
Last tank of gas, Kumari thought as the engine spit out a black cloud before picking up speed. It meant one thing: last chance to make a catch. Last chance to eat, drink. Last chance to stay alive

"Harder!” Kumari screamed over the howl of the battered engine.
break here because we have a different person talking that acting.

Bastion punched the gas pedal, dust and pebbles spraying the old army Jeep in a peppered (PEPPERED IS STRONGER VERB THAN SPRAYED, SO DON'T USE 2, JUST ONE -- IT WILL MAKE THE SENTENCE LESS AWKWARD) graffiti. Bits of dirt clawed her (BASTION OR KUMARI? THIS USED TO BE THE SAME PARAGRAPH, SO I'M NOT SURE) cheeks and scratched (STRONG ENOUGH VERB AFTER 'CLAWED' HER FACE? MAYBE PELTING?) the surface of her shades. She adjusted (VAGUE VERB -- I SUSPECT SHE COVERED HER FACE WITH THE BANDANA IN RESPONSE TO THE DEBRIS SPRAY) the bandana across the lower half (DON'T MATCH A VAGUE VERB WITH VAGUE DETAILS 'LOWER HALF OF FACE' -- SHE COVERED HER MOUTH AND NOSE TO BREATH IS MORE VISCERAL) of her face. The air was murky , but she saw her prey’s outline through the haze (DON'T NEED MURKY AND HAZE, WHEN HAZE BETTER FITS THE GIVEN DETAILS AND THE NEW SENTENCE CONSTRUCTION PUTS THE EMPHASIS BACK ON THE PREY AND NOT THE CONDITIONS).
***

1) Visceral is good for this genre, so this gritty opening is heading the right direction. But note that most of the grit is related to the car and environment. Not the characters. Shades and bandana are good details, though. What else you got?
2) "It" is a weak word, and not one that should lead a sentence in an opening paragraph, especially here because you have the "last tank of gas" and the "black cloud" to which "it" can refer. So which is it?
3) We can't see Kumari and are left with more of a sense of the vehicle than her/him. That vehicle better be important enough you spent your opening on it. And it better reappear in the book. Only open with your key characters and devices that thread through the rest of the book.
4) "Picking up speed" is cliche, which is definitely to be avoided for your genre. Be "in character" when you comment on movements, inanimate- or character-related. How would a dystopian future call this? Consider creating a list of your world's sayings/idioms.
5) My biggest concern is the lack of feeling we have for either person introduced. They have to make some "catch, eat, drink, stay alive." We know their external goal. But personally, I don't give a wit for either person. I've no reason to. And this is a key issue in most openers. Give the reader someONE (not someTHING) to care about immediately.
6) A freind of mine writes sci/fi and some dystopic, and she's always sure to include something in that opening that tells you that you're in another world. This opening could be modern-day Vegas for all I know. Add at least one element of surprise.

Introducing heart from the first page, the first 'graph is very hard. But that's the challenge. Given the good writing here, I know the author is up to the task. Good luck!

Optimize Your Opener

Okay, I'm tired of seeing long-time published authors do everything in the book that debut authors would never get away with.

Currently reading Carla Neggars' book "Cold River" for research. The opening is nearly all backstory. In 8 pages I put the book down 6 times. Irritated is an understatement.

So, authors, get your manuscripts out. I'm feeling generous. You deserve to be helped and get published!

Post your FIRST 2 PARAGRAPHS of your FIRST CHAPTER here, and I'll give you my undeniably devilish feedback.

Please, no prologues. First chapters only. I'll review as many folks as I can. Your participation in comments is welcomed, too. Game on!