Optimize Your Opener Entry #3, from my guest-editing blogger, Kimberly:
The Summoner of Seven Falls
genre: YA Paranormal
No one in the lecture hall noticed the crack near the bottom of the glass tube containing the virus culture. The middle-aged and slightly gray bespeckled professor stood behind the podium giving the day’s lecture in a loud and animated [M1] voice of a [M2] scholar excited about his field of study. Occasionally Professor Stone would step [M3] away from the podium during his lecture to stand behind the table upon which the rack of culture tubes sat. As if divining magic through the air[M4] , the professor would gesticulate wildly above the tubes while describing the concept of cytopathic effect through which viruses eventually destroy tissue. In this case[M5] , the tissue was primary monkey kidney, and the destroyer a Coxsackie virus.
In an attempt to emphasize an important point, [M6] Professor Stone banged his fist down upon the table. The impact caused the tubes to leap slightly, and the cracked tube faltered under the stress of the downward landing[M7] . Instantly, fluid welled up [M8] against the inside of the crack. A second pound on the table then forced the fluid across the crack’s opening, and a drop of culture media began to [M9] pool on the outside of the crack. Finally, as the Great Orator’s voice died down he began[M10] walking back to reclaim his spot at the podium. However, along the way his foot caught on a leg of the table and he tripped, slightly jerking the table a few inches and all that sat on top. Now propelled by a sudden new force, the drop succumbed to gravity[M11] and began [M12] to fall down the tube onto the table. At that point, the drop’s final journey sealed the fate of everyone in the room[M13].
[M1]Can you think of one spectacular word to describe both loud and animated?
[M2]Indicative of an enthusiastic scholar
[M4]I like this description but I think you could tighten it or use a simile…”like a maestro”
[M5]Leave this out to say the tissue in the cracked tube struggled to contain a coxsackei virus eating away at primary monkey kidney
[M6]If he’s banging his fist, we know he’s emphasizing. That is classic show don’t tell and you did both!
[M7]Landings are usually downward. Just say landing
[M10]don’t begin to do action verbs, just do them. In this case he walked back..
[M11]Was it gravity of was it succumbing to the jiggle
These first few paragraphs will put the reader in a state of agitation if you properly convery that the virus is deadly and it MUST NOT ESCAPE! Under any cirrcumstances! I love this idea and I think you are on a very good track here. I’m definitely interested and you just need to tighten up a bit. And avoid would do this and would do that as well as begin to do this and begin to do that. Watch those verbs. Make it happen in the here and now as if we are witnessing it in the present.
Kudo’s and Good Luck!